No one is immune to Overwhelm, we all have it and yet when we are in the thick of it we think we are the only ones to go through it.
It doesn’t matter who you are, where you live, what you do, or your background, when you get too busy your mind begins to store everything it thinks, see’s, wants, needs and considers all at once.
The storage drawers of the mind begin to overflow and get mixed up,
· Think - untidy office with paper hanging out of the filing drawers, desk piled high, papers on the floor and you’re sitting there pulling out your hair because you cannot find that one thing that’s urgently needs to be done today!
· Think - you’ve just arrived home from work, the kids are home from school your partner or parents are there as they have just collected the kids, your tired, they are excited they have had a great day, they want to talk to you in excited voices, dinner needs to be cooked, lunches made for tomorrow, washing needs to be done, you have a deadline at work that you wanted to work on tonight and you remember its parent teacher night. …
· Think – it’s the long-awaited weekend, your tired, the dog needs walking he’s jumping up excited as he’s desperate to go out, the house needs cleaning, your friends are wanting to catch up over coffee, your behind with your personal / home paperwork, you have a headache, the kettles boiling, whistling loudly. Your phone rings, someone knocks on the door all at the same time…
· Think – you have an assignment due; you have extra shifts at work, you hate your job, your boss is a nag, your bank balance is low, your partner is upset as you spend to much time studying or working and not with them, you want a holiday but cannot afford it and you’ve just found out your parents are coming for the weekend and you haven’t cleaned your flat in weeks…
· Think – to much to do, too little time to do it, you’re not enjoying your job, you don’t know what you want to do instead, car payments due, kids need shoes, haven’t had a holiday in years and you’re fighting with your wife. You haven’t slept for ages, your eating crap quick to buy food and you have an unexplained pain in your shoulder that gets worse every day…
· Think - You haven’t seen your family for ages, this pandemic has separated you all, your worried, your stressed because job security is at an all time low in your industry, money is getting low, you’re not sleeping. Your grumpy, your tired and your friend asks you to come out for dinner to discuss their relationship issues…
· Think – you have a major life choice to make, there are too many or not enough options, your parents want you to do one thing, your friends another. You partner thinks you should do that, you boss thinks this. You not confident you can do any of them, you look for solutions and just come up with more reasons to do nothing, your bored, frustrated know you need to change but cannot come up with a solution. You read, talk, watch videos to get inspiration it leads to more confusion. Your scared you’ll make the wrong decision so decide to do nothing.
Do you recognise any of these scenarios?
These are just a few situations where you may feel overwhelmed, these are not the only issues that bring on the feeling of “STOP I WANT TO GET OFF”
I’m thinking that your situation may not even be listed here, the list of overwhelm situations is too long to ever be listed on one page and yet every situation feels as if you are the only one feeling overwhelmed
When we are bombarded through design ( we have put ourselves into the situation) or situation (Others asking of us), we often find it incredibly hard to slow down enough to think, let alone get out from underneath all the stresses we find around us.
But that is exactly what needs to be done.
Slow Down…Prioritise…Activate…..Meditate...Slide
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SPAMS
Slow Down everything, take time out, step away, take a shift from doing and going, to focusing and rebooting.
Prioritising what you are in control of, what is important to you, what you need, what brings you joy
Activate your plan for sifting through and highlighting how you are going to get what you want, using your ME TIME successfully
Meditating – calming your mind enough to put into action your plan, destressing, refocus and keep on track. BTW meditation is not all sitting quietly with eyes closed thinking of nothing! Check out my post on Mindfulness is not all meditation and yoga for some great tips here!
Slide into a new routine that brings you to where you want to be and removes the overwhelm
When we are feeling all consumed, no time for ourselves and our situations taking over our lives, draining our energy our perspective becomes distorted and we can experience burnout.
Learning to recognise when its building is just as important as knowing what to do if we get to the stage of overwhelm.
Often it can be tricky to recognise the gentle slide into Overwhelm because we all feel it differently.
It comes in various symptoms and feelings.
It can start as lack of focus, tiredness, mood swings, sleepless nights. These symptoms can mimic Hormone shifts and often get missed as Overwhelm.
Irritability, lack of patience or loss of empathy can be passed off as overtired.
Then may come as an inability to know what to do next, difficulty in making choices, wanting to be less sociable or the opposite…more sociable than normal.
At time it can feel that things are insurmountable and the urge to just stay in bed and hide under the duvet can seems the best thing to do.
You could feel like everyone wants a piece of you, needs something from you, expects to much from you, you don’t have enough time to please everyone and you feel exhausted.
Time for yourself seems a luxury, selfish, something only the rich can afford.
Life can feel a struggle, to much, " like treading through molasses" one of my clients called the feelings he had when he realised that it wasn’t illness, he had, it was Overwhelm.
Keeping things in perspective when we are overwhelmed can be tough, our negative side comes out more, our tired give up impulses show themselves more and we
at times feel the need to do nothing and hide.
Procrastination is often the go to for many who feel overwhelm, then it becomes a vicious circle of do nothing, get no further.
We often begin to start sentences more with Should haves and meant too’s.
We compare ourselves to others and berate ourselves when we don’t get things accomplished. This in turn piles on the pressure and makes us feel much worse.
Telling ourselves that " it’s just life, it’s the way things are and welcome to adulthood!"
The pressure gets tougher and we feel less in control and less able and yet it is not our fault that we feel overwhelmed.
As women we have grown up in a culture and society that informs us that we should be helpful, to put others first and then we will be seen as good girls, selfless and being amenable is so important.
Just as men are taught to be in control and successful brings reward for their families.
Daddy working hard is being a good role model. Bread winner and head of the family, strong men do not show emotions as that shows a weakness.
Climbing the ladder at work, purchasing a bigger and better home, car, things as you move up with promotion, is seen as a successful role model.
Whether man or woman in the 21st century we are told that we can have it all – the perfect relationships, the family, the money, the career, the status, the home, the holiday, the envy of others and the social life that slips easily alongside it all.
Woman have been shown from childhood that the mothers and grandmothers in their life have taken on the caring and helpful roles inside and outside the home, that time for self, is limited to when the kids are in bed and the hubby has been fed.
The men have been taught from their fathers that strong men don’t show emotion, and talking about feelings is not done in front of the kids.
The mental load of that model not changing whilst the world continues to move faster, has put a real pressure pulse on the mind – remember “ the devil makes work for idle hands!”
This conditioning leaves us all feeling as though we should (one of my least favourite words in the English language) be able to do all the things, please everyone, all the time, with a smile on our face and gentle words from our mouths.
So when we can’t, when it’s not possible we become overwhelmed and feel like we are failing.
So what can we do about this conditioning and how can we stop feeling overwhelm?
This is where SPAMS comes in…
The first thing we need to do is Stop!
Long enough to ask ourselves what do we want…
I know sometimes when we ask ourselves that question, we can feel even more overwhelmed because we have become so lost in doing, we actually do not have a clue what it is that we want.
If this happens, flip the question to “What don’t I want?”
We all know what we don’t want, right?
After listing all those things, usually what’s left, opens up options to what we actually do want.
From those options decide what you want right now!
Stepping away from overwhelm at this time is not about fixing all the issues it’s about stopping and stepping away.
So right now in this moment what do you want?
Start there…. It could be as simple as stopping what you are doing right now and just stepping outside to take a few long deep breathes in and out. This is a great way to begin to clear the mind.
It could be that you just want to stop and have a long glass of water, phone a friend, take a walk or even Scream at a tree. (The great thing about the Flora part of Nature is it doesn’t scream back but gives you a moment to let it out!)
Next thing to do, in that moment is check what it is that you have been neglecting in your needs recently, by asking yourself a few very simple questions.
· What have I been eating and Drinking?
· How have I been sleeping?
· When did I last connect with someone I love in person in the same room?
· When did I last have at least 30 minutes of time just for myself to relax or do something just for me?
· What do I like to do?
· What brings me joy?
· What did I used to love doing when I was younger?
Prioritise - When you have answered these questions write the answers down on a piece of paper or a post it note.
Put is somewhere that you will see it every morning.
It doesn’t need to be seen by others, just you, it’s important for only you at the moment.
If you have been fueling yourself with coffee and fast food, sugar or processed quick to serve food, disturbed sleep, lack of human connection and no time spent doing what brings you joy you are inviting Overwhelm in to take hold.
Think of 1 step you can take to rebalance each of these areas – Now list those new steps onto another piece of Paper or post it note and put next to in full view to you so that it’s one of the 1st things you see every morning. Even if it’s only 1 area that you can think of something to begin taking this new step in, start there.
Addressing the imbalance of these basic needs is a great way to start to lift the feeling of overwhelm, however this step on it’s own, is not usually enough.
When our basic needs are not being met it’s difficult to cope with all the other demands on our minds, bodies and emotions. So commit to taking 1 step each day to move forward out of overwhelm.
Activate - By taking action, step by step at your pace you are taking back some control so that overwhelm is no longer completely ruling your life. As you take these step, you will begin to find clarity as to exactly what it is that you feel overwhelmed about and begin to realise what you can do about it.
Once the immediate overwhelm feeling begins to subside you are able to see more clearly what has been happening / shifting in you and often we find that it’s a simple thing like learning not to say yes all the time.
By recognising that we have too much on our plate because we think that saying yes is being helpful, being productive, being supportive and realising that setting our own person boundaries up, by politely and firmly saying No is all about respect those personal boundaries and giving yourself what it is you need. When you say no, its not necessary to give lengthy reasons or to justify your no, it’s enough just to say no. It doesn’t mean you are selfish, meanspirited, lazy or bad. It just means you are honouring yourself and your finite amount of time and energy. You may find those who love you will begin to respect this time you give to yourself and may reflect on their own person use of their time and energy. Spreading the idea that looking after number 1 first so that you have more to give is not a new idea but it is often the first rule of selfcare that is forgotten.
Meditate – Once you have started to recognise what you want to do here diarise time each day if possible, however as often as you can without adding to your Overwhelm is great. To give some time to yourself to Mediate.
Meditation is not all sitting crossed legged and emptying your mind to a state of blank, in fact it’s far from that, it’s about finding a balanced way to look at life.
Check out my Post “ Mindfullness - More than just meditation and Yoga” to find some simple ways to calm the mind enough to start thinking clearly. Once you have conquered your overwhelm, pop back to learn deeper ways to include mediation into your everyday as well as your retreat “Me Time” moments.
The next step that you may need to take is to acknowledge that you need help and asking for it does not reflect a weakness or a indicator of lack of strength in fact in my mind it shows immeasurable strength.
Slide –
1. Look at where you need support to bring down the overwhelm so you can feel calmer and in more control of your situation. Professionals, friends, family and even parent can be a great source of support if you ask for help. Be sure to ask the right person for the help in the area they will be of most use… it’s no good asking a friend with no savings and a history of fun nights out about setting up a saving plan if money worries are at the forefront of your overwhelm, here it may be advisable to book an appointment with a financial advisor.
Making a date with your partner to set aside some time to talk about how you are feeling, asking a friend to pick the kids up once a week to give you 1 day a week to just chill or go for leisurely walk.
It could be setting up and automated message on your emails letting work know that you only check your emails twice a day and to call you if something is urgent to give you time to do other work on your schedule.
2. Booking “Me Time” into your diary first thing every week is a great way to slide into a selfcare routine that brings you closer to keeping the overwhelm monster at bay in the future.
Including, a 20 – 60 minute uninterrupted slot of time into your week is a great way to give you time to just calm everything down. Ask your partner, your children, your parents, and even a friend if you are a single parent with small children. To give you that totally uninterrupted time for yourself each week. Take a long slow bath, (If you don’t have a bath a long shower with some time to read a magazine or listen to some music is also a wonderful way to take time out.) Go for walk (no matter the weather, a walk can be the most relaxing thing to do). Read a book that you’ve wanted to but not got around to yet, start a journal, a gratitude diary. A blog post, write a book, knit a scarf. Whatever you feel will bring you calm and make you feel relaxed Do it! But here’s the key to this, do it on your own, you do not need to be with someone, talk to some one or look after someone all the time.
3. Next add to your diary 1 social thing to do each week, (doesn’t need to be the same thing each week but it can be if it brings you joy). Coffee with a friend, join a book club, play a sport, walk with friend, date night with your partner.
4. Start a gratitude journal – Its amazing how just spending a few minutes a day writing down wat you are grateful for can change your perspective. These can be simple everyday things like, I’m grateful that I have a pen to write this list, I’m grateful for the girl that made my coffee this morning, I’m grateful that the sun shone today, It can be a bigger thing such as I’m grateful for my children, partner, parents… fill this with whatever suits your life, I’m grateful that in this nuts world at the moment that I am healthy. You get the idea.
I try to Write 10 things every evening that I’m grateful for that happened that day. I started writing 3 things 11 years ago and after a while I noticed that more and more great things happened in my day that writing just 3 wasn’t enough. Interestingly many of my clients have told me that when they start this activity they feel a bit silly but after a while they notice more and more that they are becoming more positive and are noticing more of the little lovely things to be grateful for!
5. Get yourself someone you can talk things through with on a regular basis, whether that’s a friend, a loved one, a work colleague or a Mindset coach you will find that sharing your thoughts, feelings and to do list with another helps to refocus, prioritise, schedule and accomplish so much more.
Trying to tackle overwhelm on your own is, well, OVERWHELMING!
Check this out and join myself and other empty Nesting mums together we can all feel wonderful again!
So start by acknowledging how you feel, set a time to step away and seek help to sort through your stuff, clear a way forward to feeling fab and energised with a direction that is all about you!
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